14 July 2014

Good Grief!

Two days after losing the baby, Keenan and I attended the Christening of our first Goddaughter. Somehow, I was able keep my mind on what I was asked to do that day. In fact, I don't remember shedding any tears that day. I do remember thinking, "I'm going to be ok. God is in control."

A few days later a friend of mine that I hadn't spoken to in a long time randomly called to say hi. She didn't know about the baby yet when I  asked her about one of her friends. She told me the friend had recently miscarried her first baby. My heart sank! She went on to say that she and that friend hadn't really spoken much in the months past because the friend thought she wasn't supportive enough during her time of need. My response to this was "Allow her to grieve the way she needs to. Losing a baby isn't easy and we are looking for answers and wish the world would stop to help us find them. Don't abandon her now, continue to check on her every so often even if she ignores you. She needs you. The truth is, I don't know if there will ever be enough support for a woman who looses a baby. Be there anyway. She's grieving. Forgive her."

That was as honest as I could be at the moment. I knew exactly how the friend felt. For me, hurt couldn't be verbalized and it ranged from 1-100 at any given moment. This kind of hurt is different, though. Its coupled with hormones. My body believed I was pregnant and my heart so desperately wanted to be. It was hard to push through day to day. Prayer got me through.

The year I graduated college one of my moms best friends passed away. It was then she said to me "Grief is so personal. No one will understand how you feel; two people can loose the same person and respond differently. It doesn't mean one is grieving more or less than the other." It wasn't until my Granny died that I was able to semi understand what she shared with me. My world was turned upside down in a way that had never happened before. The day she died I called Keenan and told him "My granny died and I'm going to need you". I didn't know how long or in what capacity, but I knew I needed him. I would go to bed praying to dream about her just to see and touch her again and for the first three years on the day she passed, I would ball up and wail as if I had just gotten the news. To this day, I still cry when I think about myself during that time. It was like an out of body experience. I didn't know who I was.

Eventually, the wailing turned into tears of gratitude and joy. Joy that I had know exactly what unconditional love is. There was someone in my life that I could never disappoint. NOW I know what being enough really means. My grief had turned good on me!

Same thing with our baby. I felt that I truly had someone that would depend on me, and what I gave them would be enough. I would never feel used and abused because giving her him/her would be giving to me. The grief was unreal. However, God sent people to me that needed to hear my testimony. Like my friend that called that day; she'd never lost a child, so she wan't able to comprehend what her friend was going through. Their friendship is was on the mend not long after we spoke that day. There's countless stories of women that have crossed my path that needed my testimony and I gave it to them. My grief turned good on me! Again!

I am still unappolgetically hurt by the loss of our baby and if I could change it, I would. What God has given me in return, is good for my heart. Knowing that I have spread His word through giving hope to others is good for me. I asked Him to use me and He is.




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